General


If you read my post from last year, Prank Envy, you will have met our friend Terry and his highly-developed sense of humor.  He decided to give it another try this year to see what kind of results he would get this time around.

It’s kind of a social experiment, isn’t it?

Once again, Terry posted his “Cat Found” papers strategically around the neighborhood.  On my way into the office this morning, I stopped in our neighborhood coffee shop for some much-needed caffeine for my early-morning drive.  I saw several other early-morning punters clustered around the bulletin board and laughing.  After ordering, I wandered over to see what was so funny.

Here’s what I found.

“doesn’t this guy know that’s not a cat?”

One lady was about to call and wake up Terry because she thought he was mentally challenged and needed to know that this was a wild creature, not a pet, before he was bitten.  She was very concerned.   I didn’t say anything, preferring to see how this played out.    I also figured if Terry was awakened at 6:45am, it was his fault.

The next guy figured out it was a prank and thought it was the funniest thing he’s seen in a long time.   He also played along, telling the concerned lady that he hoped the possum wasn’t in the guys house.  The other two guys standing around picked up their coffees, took a picture of the board to post to their facebooks, and left.

By this time the workers at the coffee shop were interested, and all came out to read it.    I was putting sugar in my coffee and stirring it nonchalantly, when I heard “hey – that’s a possum!” and “gee, should we call and tell this poor guy?”.   I nonchalantly  walked up, took a picture with my phone, and said that I’ve seen that possum before, and wanted to double-check to see if it’s the one who lives in my back yard.

That got me a few stares.  I then walked out and enjoyed a good laugh in the car.

By the way, the concerned lady had her cell phone out as I left.

I wonder if Terry got his wake up call after all?

I’ve been out of touch for quite some time, and I apologize.   I’ve been working so much lately that I’ve been neglecting my creative side.  I have a new mid-year goal.  To write more.

The impetus for renewing my blogging efforts is my recent trip to Moscow.  No, not Indiana.   Would you believe I actually had to explain to a hotel 800-number operator that they have a Moscow in Russia too?  Honest.  Vlad overheard me on the phone and had to sit down, he was laughing so hard.

I was honored to attend the World Media Summit, hosted this year by Russia’s national news agency, ITAR-TASS.  It’s a biennial event, invitation only, to journalists from around the world.   I met some very interesting people, participated in fascinating discussions, and saw a lot of the incredible sights in Moscow.  It was a once-in-a-lifetime trip, and I had an absolutely marvelous time.

So watch this space for posts on my trip.  Ciao for now!

The UBM office. Note the newsroom setup.

As the first full-time teleworker for the company I work for, I haven’t had a true office desk in the past 14 years.  Early this year, I started the long commute to our San Francisco office once a week to help out our new staff – as a favor to my boss.

I discovered how different it  was to have something called co-workers that didn’t have to be interacted with virtually.

 

  • It was strange at first to have someone near me speaking in something other than Cat.  I had to re-learn English – although I still growl when annoyed.
  • I  hate the commute.
  • Humans tell jokes and are fun to have around.
  • They also appreciate the fruits of your baking efforts.  My husband and son regard them as a right, and complain when I experiment and something is not perfect.  The office is just happy to have anything sweet.  The grand marnier brownies I made a few weeks ago underwhelmed my family, but the office loved it.  I could get used to this.
  • You indeed get less done, but the thrill of helping others around you more than compensates for getting a bit behind.
  • Did I mention how I hate the commute?

The view from the office sundeck

  • It’s fun to get dressed up in something other than shorts and t-shirts and to put on shoes for a change.  My BFF is a talented stylist and she’s set me up with a wardrobe most people would kill for.  It’s nice to be able to use it when not on a business trip.
  • Our office in San Francisco has an awesome view of the Bay Bridge and the San Francisco Bay.
  • The office also  has a gorgeous sun deck for the days when the sun comes out.  It’s nice to be in California and have an office with a sundeck, complete with cushioned chaises, tables for lunch, and of course, this view.
  • I really do hate the commute, but it’s nice once I’m there.
  • The office is fully sustainable, with advanced recycling, energy efficient everything, and it’s open, airy, and full of really fun people.  I’ve been in most of my company’s offices around the world, and I have to say this is the nicest as far as space planning.

To make things stranger, I have an actual desk in this snazzy office.  Frankly, it’s the first time ever that I’ve been working in an office setting and haven’t had a private office, but I’ve adjusted pretty well.   I have the requisite kid picture of my son in his graduation tux, and I also have a picture of Alexei swinging a golf club that was taken by my Uncle Bob.  I can tell when people are golfers – they stop by my desk and comment on how much money they’ve paid to get a swing that will never be as good as his.

I’m not going to mention how much money I paid to get him that swing.  Nope.  Won’t even mention it.

I also have the required office trinkets.  A small elephant statuette that I brought back from South Africa.  A pair of wind-up shoes given to me by a long-time client.  Other stuff friends have given me over the years.  The required company awards that were cluttering up my office closet at home.  That kind of thing.    Apparently it’s not enough.

Todd Was Here

We have a lot of other colleagues from offices around the country visiting San Francisco.  I’m convinced it’s  because they really want to get away from the weather wherever they live.   As a result, my desk is used mostly for visiting executives.  Apparently, they got together and decided my desk looked a bit to severe, and needed some more decoration.

A few weeks ago, my colleague Todd was here from his home office in Atlanta.  Todd started the tradition of leaving me a gift to let me know he WAS THERE.  I was touched.  He took a picture of himself and printed it out.   I came into the office a few days later and saw his mug tacked to the divider-wall.

Dang.  It really needed a “Best Wishes from Todd”  or a “Loved Using Your Desk” on it for me to keep it up there as a permanent fixture.  So, I put it on one of the shelves below my desk and told Todd the next time he came out here he needed to sign it or he couldn’t sit at my desk again.

The race was on.   The next visitor to use my desk was my boss, Bob.   He flew in to escape the heat in Chicago, see the view, and soak up a bit of fog and blessed coolness in San Francisco.  Oh yeah – he also needed to work with the team, but they all say that.

 

Bob's few cents worth.

Bob has a delightfully dry sense of humor, and one never knows just how it will manifest itself.  I received an IM from him that day that said the picture of Todd on the shelf below was creeping him out.  A few jokes went back and forth, and when I came to the office a couple of days later, I found Todd’s picture back up on my wall, and a little present from Bob arranged in a nice zen pattern on my desk.

I kind of like this trend.  First a picture, then cash.  Things are looking up.

I still hate the commute, but I do like the presents.

I won’t be going to the SF office now for a couple of weeks, and there will be quite a few people visiting our office to escape the heat/rain/humidity/smells in their own cities.  Oh, yes, and to do a little work too.  I’m expecting to have several more presents left on my desk.

I’m particularly fond of orchids, folks…  Just saying.

I read an article this morning about how the US is the “no vacation nation”.   It is disturbing to read just how true it is.  Yes, I’m guilty of  taking my mobile phone with me during the day while on holiday – even to the beach.   I feel better because pretty much everyone else is doing it too – either that or they’re playing Angry Birds poolside.

Yeah – I vote for the Angry Birds too.

Not everyone in the US gets ANY paid vacation leave at all.  There is no law that requires any PTO (paid time off) for full or part time employees and there are companies out there that exploit that ruthlessly.   One of my friend’s husband has an important position in his company, and consequently does not get any paid vacation – period.   He’s lucky if he can sneak away for 4 days off around Christmas or Thanksgiving.  My friend takes her kids on vacations alone, to be joined by hubby on weekends.  She told me he’s just glad he’s working.

That is no way to live, working for Scrooge Enterprises.

My friends and colleagues from outside the US think we Americans are too focused on work, and staying ahead.   I tell them sadly that it’s not staying ahead these days, it’s staying employed.  The unfortunate reality of recession is that employers can take advantage of employees in ways of cutting benefits, time off, and the employee can’t do anything about it if he or she wants to keep the job.

Now enter another reality – the economy in the US is getting better as is the job market, and employers who take gross advantage of their employees are going to see valuable talent walk right out the door in search of better benefits – including vacation.   It’s already started – I know many people who have left their version of  Scrooge Incorporated in all it’s various industries for a nicer environment and a few days of rest.  It seems so simple,  but in looking after the bottom line, many companies are ignoring that it costs more to hire and train a new employee than it does to offer vacation and benefits that will keep their skilled workforce.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the Ghost of Vacations Past would visit some of these latter-day Scrooges and scare them into treating their staff  better?   Yep.  I think so too.

It’s times like this I realize how lucky I am to work for a company that understands the importance of employees who can mentally function, and consequently not only give generous vacation benefits, but also prod me to take as many of my annual days as I can.   Consequently, I don’t mind sitting at the beach with my blackberry, making sure all is good back at the ranch.

No, I’m not playing Angry Birds.  Really I’m not.

It’s dejà vu all over again.

A little over a year ago I was anxiously watching another volcano erupt and eventually disrupt my vacation plans.   Now I’m watching yet another volcano do the same thing, and my first thought was “glad I’m not traveling”, and my second thought was “how selfish!”.  I know some of my friends and readers are planning trips, and my disinterest is not particularly charitable.

I’ve learned that prior planning can make these kinds of natural disasters irksome, but not catastrophic for travelers.  Here are some tips to help keep the anxiety at a minimum.  If you’re looking for what to do if they cancel your flight, click here or scroll down to the previous entry.

1. Trip Insurance – If you’re booking a flight to or from Europe or Argentina/Chile, or within Europe or Latin America, it’s best to spend the extra for insurance.  READ the policy thoroughly to make sure ‘acts of God’ such as volcano eruptions are not excluded.  If they are, look at another carrier.    If insurance is not an option, contact the airline to find out what they will do if your flight is cancelled due to ash cloud problems.  Most will allow you to rebook with no change fees, but not all are so nice.   Best to double check ahead of time.

2. Hotel bookings – try to stay away from the hotels and booking services that require you to pay in full up front.  There are many lovely boutique hotels that you can book without having to pay in full weeks in advance.  Look carefully at their cancellation policies, and call or email them if it’s not on their website.  Many are run by caring individuals that will give you a break if you’re stuck because of the ash cloud.

3. Alternate destinations.  If you’re traveling to Europe or the Southern Cone of Latin America and it looks like you may have issues getting to your primary destination, have a backup plan switching your flight to another city or nearby country and then take a train, boat or rent a car to get you where you need to go.  If you’re coming to the US from Europe, Argentina or Chile, try taking a train to a country or area not likely to be affected and fly out from there.  Once you get to the US, you can take a flight easily from any airport to anywhere you wish to go, and there are pretty inexpensive fares available to most destinations.  Don’t be afraid to get creative.  If you’d like to see how I got around the 2010 ash cloud and got home after my flight was cancelled, click this link.

4. Pack clothes that can stand a few extra days.  If you do get stuck, you don’t want to have a suitcase full of clothes that are dirty and can’t be worn.   Pack a shirt and underthings that can be washed in a hotel sink and hung up to dry overnight.  You’ll be glad you did!

5. Have a fully charged mobile phone that works in the country you’re traveling to.  Most local phones will not function outside your home country.   Contact your carrier before you leave to see what needs to be done to make your phone work in your destination country.   A SIM card is usually all that is required.   If that option is too expensive, consider renting a phone when you reach your destination.   That way if you need to rebook a flight, or find another hotel in a hurry, you won’t be looking for an internet cafe.  You can also notify the car service, hotel, friends or family if you are late arriving.

6. Have the airline’s non-800 number written down in an easily accessible place.  If you have to change your flight, the 800 number that is on your ticket, or on their website is not accessible from mobile phones or many landlines in Europe or Latin America.   Don’t rely on the ticket counter at the airport to give you the correct phone number.

7. If you DO get stuck, stay calm.   Turn on that charged mobile, pull out the non-800 number for your carrier and start booking yourself another flight, and a hotel if you can’t leave until the next day.   Pack a few extra videos or toys for the kids along with an extra book or two to keep you interested while you’re stuck in the airport.

Best of luck to everyone traveling during this summer.   I hope the Travel Gods are kind to you.  If not, remember the best way to foil them is to be prepared with alternate plans!

After working within the airline systems on innumerable countries, with flight cancellations, re-booking and so on, I observed positive and negative behavior amongst my fellow passengers. I got first hand knowledge of what works and what doesn’t. Here are some tips for anyone looking to be prepared for the Wrath of the Travel Gods. I hope these are helpful.

1. Before you leave, get NON-800 number contact information from your airline carrier. The 800 numbers they hand out for US-based carriers do not work from mobile phones, and finding a landline in an airport is impossible.

2. When you check in, ask the desk agent what the procedure at that airport will be in the event of a cancellation due to weather or other Acts of the Travel Gods. Take notes – it’s different at each airport, and you want to know ahead of time to avoid the panic when the cancellation is announced.

3. When cancellation is announced, stay calm and don’t lose your temper. The ground staff for the airline are doing the very best they can, and in many cases, they are operating under strict guidelines. Don’t push them. They can’t clear the weather or cause a broken airplane to move, and they are not responsible for their airline’s policies. Start working on your own Plan B.  If you’d like to see how I got around the 2010 ash cloud and got home after my flight was cancelled, click this link.

4. If you are flying economy, you’re on your own for rescheduling. In some cases there will be no ground staff at the airport who can reschedule you, and if there are, the lines will be very long. Make sure you have a fully charged mobile phone with you, and call as soon as you can. If the line is busy, keep trying until you get in. Stay patient. The agent who finally answers your call will be able to re-route you. It may not be for a day or two, but they will get you on another flight. If you are flying in business or first class, go to the desk in the lounge and ask them for rerouting possibilities.

5. Don’t be afraid to get creative. Look into flying back overseas from a different country, or to a different country.  If Southern Europe is affected, try to reroute through Germany or England. If Northern Europe is affected, look into Madrid or Rome.  If you’re traveling to the US, try a train to a country not affected and fly to the US from there.   Don’t be afraid to fly to another city in the US if that is all that is available.  Flights within the US are plentiful and there are inexpensive fares usually available online.   If you’re in India, look to Singapore or Hong Kong.    If there is no connecting flight available and you’re traveling to a destination on the same land mass, look into high-speed or regular train option.

6. Be aware the airline may not offer you a hotel voucher, and if not, do not argue, do not get angry. There is nothing you can do about it. Quickly get on the internet and book a hotel before the other travelers do.

7. Don’t demand an upgrade in flying class as a result of a cancellation. You won’t get it by being demanding and argumentative. In most cases, there will not be any seats in the other classes available. There are a lot more seats in the economy section than in anywhere else – you’ll have a better chance of getting out flying in the cheap seats than waiting for an upgrade.

8. Try to calm down the passengers around you. The airline ground staff will bless you for it. You might even get an unexpected reward.

9. Finally, smile at the agent or ground staff and tell them how well you think they are holding up and handling this situation. They have an impossible job, with people yelling at them all the time, trying to make stranded, stressed-out people happy. In most cases, they get no thanks at all before moving on to the next upset passenger. Hearing a nice word from you will help lighten their burden. The grateful smile you get back will be the nicest thing that happens to you all day.

The above was learned first hand last year when my flight home was cancelled due to ash cloud issues. Yes, I did try to calm down the other passengers in my group. Yes, I was nice and patient and smiled. I told them I thought they were doing an excellent job in these trying circumstances, and in one case told a fellow passenger to get off the lounge staff’s back.

My reward – when I got my ticket re-booked on another airline, it was for First Class.

Remember the Golden Rule. It works.

I have a lot of friends in the middle and eastern parts of the US who have had enough snow, ice, wind chill and cold to last them for the next decade.  The most common theme I’ve been reading on various social media sites is ‘get me outta here!”.  So – to give all of you something to think about, something to dream about, or something to actively plan, here’s a few lesser-known places that are waiting for all you Snowbirds who don’t want to spend a fortune getting there, and where you can see just about everything in  a 3 or 4 day weekend.

  • San Diego, California combines some of the best winter weather in the US with a good number of sights.   The San Diego Zoo, Gaslamp, Mission San Diego, Coronado Island, and Legoland are just a few of the sights that draw tourists to this picturesque town year round.   Summer time can be cool and foggy, but winter and spring are usually glorious, and there are some great prices right now on flights.  San Diego just has one airport, but you can fly into Los Angeles and drive south if the prices are better.
  • Phoenix and Scottsdale, Arizona is the winter golf mecca for Snowbirds.  The weather is usually very mild this time of year, and you don’t have to stay at one of the pricey resorts to be able to enjoy the sun and the warmth.  There are many better deals in the towns around Scottsdale that are within easy distance of all the sights.  Check for hotels or motels in Glendale, Mesa, and Tempe for lower cost accommodations.  Fly into Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport.
  • Palm Springs/Palm Desert, California – within easy driving distance of Las Vegas, this desert resort area caters to all financial spectrums.  There are chi-chi resorts, timeshares, as well as cost-effective hotels and motels.   From this area, you can reach the Cabozon shopping center within an easy drive, as well as driving into some of the most beautiful desert areas in the world.   Fly into Palm Springs or Las Vegas and drive from there.
  • Santa Fe, New Mexico is a delightfully quaint town in the mountains above Albuquerque.  Or is it Left at Albuquerque?  I always get that mixed up.   Santa Fe is home to artists, shops galore, and incredibly beautiful nature.   It’s a great place to just rest and recharge, and the weather dramatically improves in March.  Look for deals on B&B’s during this time – they can be had!  You can fly into Santa Fe directly, or for a cheaper flight, go to Albuquerque and drive up the scenic road to Santa Fe.
  • Napa/Sonoma County wine areas in California are known all over the world for beautiful scenery and good wine combined.   But there are other reasons to visit besides the wine – bicycling is very popular in the area, and there are several good tour companies that fit every budget.  Calistoga is home to natural hot springs and famous mud baths that are not necessarily expensive.  The Russian River area has Anderson Woods, with beautiful hiking paths through the redwood forest.  Spring is a lovely time in this area – at the most you’ll have to deal with a few showers of rain in the midst of lots and lots of sunshine.  There are many small B&B’s in this area as well as motels that are cost effective if the pricey resorts are not in your budget.  Fly into San Francisco or Oakland Airport and drive to the Wine Country.
  • Oregon’s Willamette Valley is incredibly beautiful.   Bicycling is popular for the more active, and tour companies abound with a wide variety of options for the beginner to advanced cyclist.  Look for good deals in the Spring.  For those who prefer a more 4 wheeled option, there are back roads that are clamoring for a leisurely drive, with wildflowers and grape vines blooming as far as you can see.   Yes, this time of year can be rainy, but it’s still better than 2 feet of snow, and there is a lot of green to look at!  Fly into Eugene, Oregon and go from there.
  • San Antonio Texas combines warm spring weather with golf, shopping, amusement parks and The Alamo.  There are several pricey resorts up on what passes for a mountain there, but there are also many other low-cost options that can be found on an internet search.  Flights are relatively cheap there at this time of year, and it’s worth a look to see what’s available.

I hope this gives you some ideas for getting OUT OF THE SNOW for a 4 day weekend.  Enjoy, and may the Travel and Weather Gods be with you!

 

It’s happened to all of us who’ve traveled across time zones.  Nausea, sleeplessness, drowsiness, achiness, and general brain-fog that turns a high IQ individual into Homer Simpson.  This dragging feeling can range from mildly uncomfortable to completely debilitating.  The farther you travel, the worse it gets.  If you’re reading this blog entry, the chances are you’ve been struck by this ultimate indignity inflicted on us by the Travel Gods.

I’ve read about all the special practices that I could find on the Internet.  I’ve talked to other passengers on Trans-Atlantic or Trans-Pacific flights, I’ve asked doctors, physical therapists, and heck – I’ve even talked to Chinese acupuncture and traditional medicine practitioners.   I’ve tried most of what was suggested, and if it didn’t make me sick, loopy, or just didn’t flat-out work, I incorporated it into my own routine, which changes depending on where I’m going.   The nice thing is I now have the jet lag effects down to a minimum, and I can function much better than before.  This blog will refer only to non-medicinal practices.   Discussions on sedatives is a whole ‘nother issue!  Read about that here.

Short-haul Travel (1-4 hours of time change):

  • If you’re traveling east, get up early – very early.   Try to wake up at the same time you would if you were already at your destination.  This way you are tired when you need to go to bed  once you arrive.
  • If you’re traveling west, try to take a later flight, and get up a bit later than normal.  It does help.
  • Get your stomach-clock on the new time zone immediately.  Eat breakfast and lunch on the destination’s time zone while you travel.  I’m not hungry at 4:30am, but I always eat something light while in the car on the way to the airport.  It really helps.
  • Set your watch to the new time zone as soon as the airplane takes off.  This gets your mind on the new time, and reminds you when to eat the lunch you brought on the plane with you.
  • Do NOT overdo the caffeine.  Take only as much as you are used to – a cup of coffee or tea in the morning.  If you load up on Coke or Diet Coke, you will only have problems falling asleep that night and your jet lag will be much worse.
  • Go to bed that night at the time you usually fall asleep, but in your destination time zone.  If you’re traveling west, stay awake and DO NOT NAP!  If you do, you’re hosed, and might as well admit defeat right there.   Follow your normal routine when going to bed, but try to keep noise down as much as possible.  Turning the TV on will just keep you awake, and really tick off your hotel neighbors.  A book or magazine will make you fall asleep faster.

Long-haul Travel (5+ hours of time change):

  • If you are  landing in the late-afternoon or evening, the most important piece of advice I can give is DO NOT SLEEP if you can, and if you have to, don’t sleep more than 2-3 hours on the flight.   I’ve learned through bitter experience that it increases that hit-by-a-truck feeling the next day, and jet lag effects last longer than if you stayed awake.  I bring books, videos, crossword puzzles and my ipod to keep me awake on long, long flights and layovers.  You want to be really tired when you land so you can get some sleep that night.
  • If you are landing in the morning (any time before noon), then get as much sleep as you can on the flight so you can stay up all day without napping.   At this point, caffeine is a good friend, and go ahead with the coffee, tea, and soda until about 3pm.  DO NOT imbibe any caffeine past 3pm in your destination time zone.  If you do, you will not sleep well that night.
  • Set your watch to your destination time zone as soon as you take off in the airplane.  This helps you wrap your head around the time change before you arrive.   If you have multiple destinations, I’ve found it helps to reset it on each flight.  It may sound like a small point, but I firmly believe that if you keep thinking “it’s _o’clock at home” your body will not accept the new time as readily.
  • Drink a lot of non-alcoholic fluids on the flight.  Keep hydrated.   Yes, it does mean more trips to the loo on the airplane, but as long as it’s not too turbulent, it also gives you an excuse to get up and get moving at times.  Dehydration will increase the severity of your jet lag.
  • Get up and do some stretches when turbulence permits.   Sitting in one position too long is not only uncomfortable, it can be detrimental to your health.
  • Go to sleep at an appropriate time your first night, and do not eat a meal just before retiring.  Stay away from that room-service menu!   If you eat a meal, you will not sleep well, and will be very muzzy the next morning.   If you are arriving very late, I usually bring some protein bars to nibble on the train or car to the hotel.
  • And this from reader Jaimie Goulding – “Having spent considerable time in the air myself “commuting” between West Coast USA and Asia/Pacific global region, I have 1 more suggestion to offer. Prolonged exposure to the pressurized cabin may be attributed to the flu-like symptoms some of us suffer (mild hypobaric hypoxia) upon landing, and I’ve found that a good long hot water soak in a deep hot tub or jacuzzi immediately relieves some of the edema, helps “rebalance” your cells and will certainly help you sleep better. Try to do the soak as soon after you land as possible. ”  –  Thank you, Jaimie!  This is an excellent addition.

And the MOST important piece of advice:

  • Get a massage as soon as you can after arriving, and definitely within the first 2 days.   If you land in the morning and have to work or sight-see the first day, then try to have a massage before sleeping that night.  This is the single most effective piece of advice I was ever given.   A massage will  decrease jet lag in a very simple way.  Tight muscles  prevent sleep, and wake you up at 4am.  Water retention and mild edema is uncomfortable.  Racy-brain and stress will increase the body’s reaction to the time change.  All of this is corrected by a 60 or 90 minute session with a good therapist.  Many good hotels in Asia offer special massages to reduce jet lag, and they WORK.   If they don’t have a Jet-Lag Special, then choose whatever service is most comfortable for you.

I have the routine set now so I can land after traveling for 23 hours, have a full day of productive meetings, a massage, a light dinner and a glass of wine, and then sleep for 8 or 9 hours and feel great the next day.  It’s a minor victory over the Travel Gods, but I’ll take it!

If you have a favorite practice that I have not addressed, please post it in a comment, or send me an email.  I will do a follow-up after I hear from some of my readers.

I wrote earlier about my trials finding an appropriate swimsuit. It has become increasingly obvious I’m in the minority when it comes to appropriate beachwear. Some of the disasters we saw on Ka’anapali Beach made our eyes bleed. For those of you anticipating a visit to a beach destination somewhere, here are 10 easy rules we came up with on our last trip. I apologize in advance for the gruesome visuals, but since we HAD to see them, it’s only fair to give you a sample of the experience.

  1. A string bikini top is not meant to tie around your waist. If that is where your breasts are, you shouldn’t be wearing a two piece suit of any species.
  2. Speedos. Just Say No, gentlemen. People have a hard time taking you seriously when you’re wearing a banana-hammock.  Not to mention keeping a straight face…
  3. If your bikini bottom needs extender-strings, then perhaps it’s a bit too small, or you shouldn’t be wearing it at all. Just sayin’….
  4. Anything you stuff into your suit or pocket of your trunks may come dislodged while you’re in the water, and then you’ll have to dive to them to the intense amusement of everyone around you.
  5. White suits and surfshirts leave little to the imagination when wet and looks like you’re wearing milky Saran Wrap.
  6. Get to know your razor. Please. They have them at the front desk if you forgot it.
  7. If you’re tanning and have your bikini top untied, please remember that fact before you sit up or roll over.  There are children all around, and the looks you’re getting may not be as complimentary as you think.
  8. Wearing a wet swimsuit doesn’t mean you will catch a cold. Changing suits under a towel in public is rarely done well, and usually shows more than you think. However, it’s great entertainment for those of us watching you try to do it.
  9. If your teenage daughter is wearing a bikini, that doesn’t mean you can. In fact, it usually means that you shouldn’t.  Really shouldn’t…
  10. Guys –  your suit is loose at the waist, please don’t dive into the pool before you check the strings. Although watching you try to disentangle it from your ankles while under water is amusing, you could drown. Don’t count on anyone jumping in to help you. We’re all laughing way too hard…

So, here’s to all the people who gave us a laugh with their Good, Bad and Ugly swimsuit choices. Cheers and thanks for the chuckles – especially if that wasn’t your intention!

Lovely North Ka'anapali Beach.

Few things can throw women into a tailspin more than shopping for a swimsuit. 100 years ago it was simple. A nice little cami and some poofy knickers with stockings were the going thing. You could hide a lot in one of those little numbers. Top it off with a fetching cap with a bow, and you were ready for the beach.

Now, fashion has decreed that it’s all out there to be seen. No mystery, no hiding little imperfections – hey, no hiding ANYTHING. Anyone who’s been to a beach lately knows just how bad people can look in the Wrong Suit.

Hence my stress.

Going through my options prior to my Maui trip, I stopped to ponder this bit of life’s unfairness. What will work with my middle-aged body? Being in the middle of a bad case of menopause, seeing myself in one of this year’s swimsuits is a whole new experience in angst. I kept thinking “when did THIS happen?”. Not that I ever got an answer, mind you…..

Swimsuit manufacturers make their suits for teens and twenty-somethings that anyone over 30 looks terrible wearing. Then they make some suits for people who are over 80, with industrial-strength underwires and unflattering flower prints in chartreuse and electric blue. There is nothing in between. Women of ‘a certain age’ are a large segment of the discretionary income market, and I would think designers would fall all over themselves to tap into a group of people who have money to spend. I was ready to drop some serious cash per suit, if it fit and looked good.  Silly me.

I’m not asking for much. An age-appropriate suit needs to cover much of the bust in a flattering and supportive way. Nice colors that can be found in nature, with a little fun embellishment would be good too. Add a little tummy control to cover that small bump caused by childbearing that only goes away with surgery, and women will flock to your racks in the store. A short, flirty skirt is not only flattering, but for those of us over 50, it’s a public service.   Why does this combination not exist in this year’s collection?   The designers must be men.

After all the angst, I’ve decided to stick with 2 suits I already have, done by designers who really understand the lucrative boomer target market. They were expensive, but worth every $$$$, and I hope they’ll live for a few more years.

I’ve reallocated my swimsuit budget this year to spa treatments. After all this stress, I need some pampering. And yes, I’m going to ROCK those suits at the beach.

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